::january has certainly been a memorable month.
i turned 19
had my birthday at cocco latte
surrounded by my fave people...
danced the night away
got piss drunk
made a fool of myself
crying and hugs, slping then puking at the prata place.
the 2 sweetest gay guys buying me a mango mousse from conrad hotel
sharing the cake with the cineleisure boys
my best friend
the 4 seasonz
my cousin
my syaza the beautiful was there
so were my UWA girls BIG UP! JAIDEEP and SIVA tooo!

january has also been a sad month
5 days after my birthday. today.
the 11th of jan. My nanny passed away.
You know those calls that either come really later at night.
Or really early in the morn. Where u know something shit has happened.
Yea I got one of those at 6 something in the morning.
Somehow before i picked up the phone, I knew she was gone.
Then my mum sed it. It was true.
It started like. Oh ok.
Then when I got to work I started feeling really empty yknow.
This terrible feeling of guilt came in and i felt; Empty.
I quit smoking for 3 days [Hey I had to start somewhere]
Then I went to work. Told Rashidi abt my Nan. And Bam.
"Rashidi, I go buy cigarettes ah."
So there i was sitting outside at the escalator, smoking. Feeling empty. Feeling nauseus.
A part of me was gone. Whether I was close to her or not. I am still 1/4 Her.

At work. I told Hermi. Cos he asked me why I looked so tired.
A big part due to the lack of slp. But how sweet of him to ask. *aww*
His jaw dropped and his face changed, he frowned.
Followed by "Sorry"'s and " No really its ok you didnt know, really im fine its ok dont worry"'s.

Then in the evening i went to church.
Saw the coffin and didnt want to go near it.
I didnt want to see her lying there. I'd rather remember the way she looked on the hospital bed when i came in and she gave me a really weak smile.
My granpa just standing outside. Looking so lost.
He makes me want to cry.
He even asked me and my brother's "I went to see her at the home, Everyday, Twice. Now what am i going to do now that she's gone?"
I couldnt answer him, neither could my brothers. I could tell the youngest bro wanted to cry. Seeing his face made me want to cry too.
All i could do was tell him that he had to take care of her.
I was thinking of the ways id take better care of him.
And i thought that if it was this hard accepting that nanny had passed. and i wasnt even close to her, How'd i handle the other 3 grandparents i loved so much more.

After we all prayed around her with the prayer group and stuff...
everyone took turns to go up to her coffin and pay their respects.
I wanted to see her yet i didnt.
Now i wish i didnt.
She didnt look real.
She didnt look like her.
Her embalmed skinny frame was just lying there.
she lost all the weight cos she refused to eat a single thing when they sent her to the home.
She looked like a wax figure from Madame Tussaudes Wax Museum , [however u spell her last name].
I wanted to tell her "I'll see you when I get there" yknow like that Coolio song only a little modified?
But my uncle and 2 aunties were there i thought id say it another time.

I could go on talking abt today forever.
But there's still 5 days more for this funeral to go.




::

| |

.:If only I could be as cool as you on 3:02 AM:.
...